Intrusive Thoughts in Motherhood
A topic that has come up a lot lately in my therapy sessions with clients is intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts or images that just pop into you mind at any time of day and they can be very concerning or distressing to the person experiencing them. Sometimes they are of horrific things, things that you may be too scared to share with anyone else - you don’t want them to think you are crazy or to think that you aren’t capable of caring for your baby.
The crazy thing about intrusive thoughts is they are so common - yet no one talks about them. In her book, Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts, Karen Kleiman shares that up to 80% of new parents experience intrusive thoughts. This includes moms and dads. This includes parents who have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder and parents who do not. They are SO COMMON and we as new parents so often suffer silently. You don’t have to suffer. If you are experiencing these thoughts there is help!
Want to know a secret about intrusive thoughts - they don’t mean you are a bad mom or that the thoughts or images in your mind are going to happen.
What separates intrusive thoughts from thoughts that we would be worried about is not the content of the thought - it’s your desire to carry out the thought. If you are horrified that the thought it there and would never act on it - then it’s not a thought that we need to worry about. Of course the content and the fact that the thought is there is scary, but it doesn’t mean you are a danger to yourself or your baby.
If you are feeling compelled to act on the thought, you may be experiencing some postpartum psychosis - this is something different from intrusive thoughts and it’s important that you get help (go to the ER, go to a crisis center, tell a family member what’s going on and give them the baby - there is help for this too, it just looks a bit different and requires a higher level of care and support).
Common Intrusive Thoughts Moms (or dads) Experience Postpartum:
Thoughts that you might drop your baby or hurt your baby in another way. This could be accidental or intentional in the thought. Some women have thoughts of driving off the road with their babies or see images of themselves stabbing their babies - but there is no desire to actually do it, just horror the thought is there.
Thoughts that your baby might stop breathing in their sleep or that you might put a pillow over their face.
Thoughts that someone else might hurt your baby.
The impulse to shake your baby, even if the thought of it horrifies you.
Seeing images or pictures in your mind of your baby dead.
Researchers have done brain scans on women who experience intrusive thoughts of something terrible happening to their babies (either an accident or the mother herself doing something terrible) and what they’ve found is the part of the brain that lights up is the part of the brain that lights up when we are in protective mode. These thoughts are our brains weird way of helping us protect our babies from harm.
My Own Story with Intrusive Thoughts
When I was a new mom (my son is 4 now) I struggled with intrusive thoughts myself. I would often have thoughts surrounding not having enough breast milk to feed him and him starving. This would end up with me counting the frozen milk bags in the freezer 7-8 times a night some nights. The ounces never changed, but the thoughts kept coming and counting helped calm me down for a minute. Another intrusive thought I often had was of sitting in the car in garage with my baby in the backseat with the car on and not turning the car off - some would call this a plan for suicide however what makes this different is I was horrified by the thought. I didn’t want it to happen. I also didn’t share it with anyone because I didn’t want them to think that I would hurt my baby - I knew I would never hurt him so the thought scared me and didn’t make sense.
How To Get Help for Intrusive Thoughts Postpartum
Having intrusive thoughts without an intent to act on them does not mean you are a danger to yourself or your baby. What often happens thought is when we have these intrusive thoughts they can cause a huge increase in anxiety and depression symptoms. You start to feel bad about yourself, you worry that the thought will come true, you worry you are going crazy, you feel all alone because you are scared to tell anyone what is happening - but mama, you are not going crazy. You are one of the 80% of parents experiencing these thoughts. The other thing that can happen is you can develop Postpartum OCD symptoms. OCD can be just the intrusive thoughts or it can include compulsive behaviors (like my counting of the milk).
Whatever you’re experiencing regarding intrusive thoughts - if they are causing you to feel shame, to feel fear, to feel bad about yourself, to feel anxious or worried, to isolate yourself, to feel depressed or to have compulsive behaviors - therapy can help! If you are local to Colorado or Oklahoma you can head over to my contact page and I’d be happy to help. If you’re in another state you can use the Postpartum Support International Directory to find a therapist in your area who is trained to help during postpartum.